Sheepish

“How can you love someone so much you just met?”

~ Novalee Nation, Where the Heart Is

The only other person on this planet

who ever had those words running through my mind

was my teenager on the day they were born.

'Humiliated' is about the best way I can describe

feeling the way I did…

After all: it was only three days.

The two things I probably should’ve mentioned

about the way Autism affects me:

Unexpected changes in routine send my mind into chaos,

and even though most people disagree:

I really am capable of loving quite easily.

I know what we can never be,

not because the desire isn’t there,

because it’s there like nothing I’ve ever felt before:

it’s because there’s a love far more beautiful still in store for you.

Once I realized the situation in which I’d found myself,

I realized I’d been attempting an exercise in futility

trying not to fall in love with you, and I fell even deeper still.

It’s always been as clear as crystal

that you’re a giver just like me,

and unfortunately for some of us

that means making mistakes that cause us pain.

We knew from the day we met

we’d had similar experiences from opposite sides of the table.

With all the other similarities,

is it any wonder I began to see us as yin and yang?

No:

nothing as simple as romance

and nothing as mundane and routine

as calling each other ‘mine’

is what the Universe has in store for us;

No:

it’s not what I want from you or to give to you,

it’s as you said before:

it’s what I want for you that makes this all so beautiful to me.

I don’t want to be worshiped.

I don’t want anyone to wait on me hand and foot,

and I couldn’t very well call myself humble

if I expected someone to waste their waking hours

and their oh-too-short life

penning sonnets about me.

I love you

because we cannot be

what instinct is telling us we ought to be.

I love you

because I know:

there’s still hope where you’ve least expected it.

I didn’t ask to receive the message

that fell before my eyes that night,

but I knew as soon as I saw it,

I’d never see things the same way again.

It was about something close to your heart

that was never any of my business,

and yet seeing it shown to me that way

told me everything I needed to know.

We were on opposite sides of the table once more:

I could pass along the message,

but I could never advise.

I couldn’t interfere,

because it simply wasn’t my place.

All I could do was love you from afar,

hoping against all odds

your story got the happy ending mine didn’t.