On Friendship

“You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful, and then you actually talk to them, and five minutes later they're dull as a brick. But then there's other people, and you meet them and you think 'not bad, they're okay', and then you get to know them, and their face sort of becomes them, like their personality's written all over it, and they just they turn into something so beautiful...” ― Amy Pond Doctor Who series

I have been privileged to encounter a great many people in my lifetime. People from all backgrounds and walks of life. Some, I've kept in touch with for over 20 years now. Others came and went in the blink of an eye.

Part of being Autistic is struggling socially, particularly in forming connections with people. For me, I tend to be a responder: I sit back and observe someone new at first, to get a feel for them. I watch how they interact with others so I can get an idea of how I could best join in and 'fit.' In some situations though, I'll be the social butterfly: if a newcomer seems to be quiet and feeling out of place, I'll lead with a joke so the laughter will help them relax. Being Autistic, the joke doesn't always land, and in both situations, I've ended up getting some very bad reactions.

What I tend to struggle with most though are people who approach me. I'll start off being mildly polite, but then they dive right in to pouring their heart out to me and bombarding me with whatever is troubling them, and then call me a great listener and a great friend, when on occasion, I have a confession to make:

I'm frozen on the spot, smiling and nodding, throwing out an occasional 'keep the peace' statement because I legitimately don't know what to do to get them to stop talking and recognize they're making me really uncomfortable, without being stone-cold terrified it'll turn into a screaming match and they'll never even want to be civil on the off chance we bump into each other somewhere else.

I've never learned how to still be someone's friend or not feel awkward around them after they've made me feel overwhelmed or disturbed by something they've said or done. I'll generally just end up distancing myself until I forget why I was upset in the first place, and just go around in the same cycle over and over again. I've never been able to assert myself with someone like that without being terrified that they'll deck me. Truth be told, I think I have an overwhelming fear of getting my front teeth knocked out. My dad had a partial with a single front tooth that had been knocked out when he played baseball as a boy, and the way he flicked it up and down freaked me out. As much as I've been wanting a partial, the last thing I want is to have to go without one of my front teeth again to get it.

Anyway...

I did get beaten to a pulp in Kindergarten and again in third grade over not understanding situational appropriateness, and even nowadays, when I make people laugh, it's generally because I've said or done something that's out of place. Since moving to Nebraska, I've never had the privilege of having the kind of friend who takes me out somewhere on my birthday every year, texts me at random and says 'I'm on my way to pick you up for karaoke,' or offers to take my kids somewhere for the day. It's been a rare occasion when a friend has offered to help me clothes shop. I feel as though on the outside I come off as negative or judgemental as some of the folks I feel awkward around myself, when all I ever aim to be is polite and gracious.

In Ohio, I had friends who became family who were notorious for picking me up at random, going on random shopping trips, going to local festivals on a whim, getting coffee on a whim, and keeping an eye on each other's kids so we could have a sanity break. I had friends who would just lay around and watch mind-melting YouTube videos and Saw movies and play video games. Now, I just feel like I've isolated myself somehow without meaning to. Like I've come full circle from coming out of my shell to shoving myself back into it again. I just can't figure out where it is I'm going wrong.

I've taken steps to start putting myself out there, and the amazing part was when I could tell folks could tell I was shy, and then proceeded to flock around me. At first I was nervous, but the conversation flowed like water, through several topics it turned out most of us shared. Now I just need to battle the bitter Nebraska cold and get back out to see them all again into the new year and beyond.