On Being Diagnosed with Mild Autism

I waited a month in between appointments and then had to reschedule due to a personal situation my psychologist experienced. She was 15 minutes late. Still: I'd wait all over again for the news I got today, especially since she still afforded me the full hour. Considering she told me right off the bat that I had an Autism Spectrum Disorder, that's saying something since hurry-up-and-wait is akin to torture for me. (She also confirmed I have General Anxiety Disorder, which I've known since I was 20.)

Her test was the most called out I've ever felt, and I've had my tarot cards read by folks who were even more adept at it than I am. The test confirmed that I am obsessive over certain things, require a quiet environment as often as possible, and need to be kept stimulated in multiple ways (i.e. something to see, hear, and touch) if I'm meant to perform a task that is not of immediate and intense interest to me. If I am doing something that IS of immediate and intense interest, I can focus on it for hours uninterrupted, and snap at anyone who breaks my focus.

In case it isn't clear just yet, I'll add that along with my mild Autism diagnosis (I'll probably refer to it as Asperger's Syndrome in the future,) she also added that I do have just enough symptoms to necessitate a comorbid diagnosis of ADHD - inattentive. This in all honesty is rather easily managed with sensory stimulation, and even more so if I'm able to fit a certain type of music to an activity that is primarily tactile-visual.

The part that is a challenge is when I have to repeat the same task over and over, I've gotten something about that task wrong, and haven't received an explanation as to what it is I did wrong, so I can address that fault and train myself to not make the same mistake again. Where this is of the most imminent concern is job interviews. For some of the questions, I legitimately don't understand how to acceptably frame the answer anymore. There are times I seriously wonder why it's not ok to tell a prospective employer that I want the new position because I'm bored and need something that's new, and I'm curious if their position will keep my attention for a while.

In the past, I've taken those random 'Who are you most like' quizzes on social media and gotten results comparing me to former members of the Borg, as well as other characters who were meek, mild-mannered, naive, or simply highly intelligent. In reality, I'm more like James Wilson from House, Aramis from The Three Musketeers, Galadriel from The Lord of the Rings, Rose Bukater from Titanic, and Jon Snow from Game of Thrones.

One thing that I wondered while I waited for my test results to come back is whether or not my Depression diagnosis would still be valid. While I do not actually have clinical level major depressive disorder, there was a word she used that she specified was of great importance to be recognized and acknowledged moving forward. It describes a constant empty battery feeling. (Dysphoria I think, but I have to wait for the email she's sending me to know for sure) In fact, she was rather shocked that I'm even capable of getting out of bed at all, not due to sadness, but because I'm simply not getting enough stimulation from life to keep me going. While there are days I'd rather sleep until noon, I was able to answer her curiosity almost immediately: my Autistic compulsion is my great regard for other people. The shortest way I can explain it is to say that I am an INFJ-T; the same personality type as Mother Teresa. In more detail, if I had to live my life with only myself to take care of and no obligations or responsibilities to or for anyone or anything else, I would probably never get out of bed because I would have no reason to. My responsibilities and obligations are literally what give me the ability to get out of bed every day. Taking care of myself isn't enough of a motivator, because what makes me happiest is making other people feel good.

While I did score extremely high in terms of PTSD, and do have a few situations that have kicked off actual attacks, my brain has essentially experienced trauma and stress to the max simply by being forced to exist in an unnatural state all my life. The more I allow myself to say when something makes me feel uncomfortable and allow myself to maintain and enforce boundaries for my own wellbeing, the less stress my brain will be under, and thus I should also start to lose some of the empty battery feelings. While she did recommend an SSRI, we discussed not only my extreme emotional sensitivities but also my biological sensitivities to many pharmaceuticals (in a lot of cases, I'll take a medication and only get its side effects.) For me, an as-needed anxiety supplement, along with yoga, meditation, and sensory stimulation when needed should go a long way.