"Hope"

(A poem of contradictions)

Vulnerability.

I just had to go

and be attracted to vulnerability,

(and a whole slew of other things as well).

There was no way to see this coming;

a walking contradiction walks up to a walking contradiction

almost sounds like the setup for a joke,

and I honestly wish

I was an adept enough psychic

to see the punch line in advance.

"The show must go on."

Curiosity got the best of me,

and I had to know.

I had to go

where I'd never gone before

because it felt like something was pulling me.

I hadn't been there a day and I knew

I wanted to come back

and learn all there is to know

about everything I saw.

"Crazy world,

full of crazy contradictions

like a child..."

All we were doing

was talking over dinner.

You weren't even trying to win me over,

and I tried to understand it.

I recognized another soul

who had crawled through hell

and had been treated monstrously

and sat before me a diamond

with a heart of gold,

pampering himself like a king,

exactly as you deserve.

I'd seen so many signs,

but when I realized you were seeing them too,

I started to feel holes cracking in my shield.

I have no idea

why life has pulled us into this place,

as though we're pawns on a chessboard,

but I'm getting angry,

and "Hell hath no fury,"

because I've asked for answers,

and all I keep hearing when I scream at the stars

is: "Keep going. All will be revealed in time."

"Lay down

your sweet and weary head..."

The last thing on my mind

was fleeing back out the door

before I dug the knife in deeper;

in fact,

I couldn't believe

how comfortable I felt.

Like I was exactly where I belonged.

I could've laid there beside you

with you curled up against me in my arms,

releasing the weight of the world off your shoulders,

kissing the top of your head

and all the rest of you

every last second I was in town

and you would've been worth all of them.

"Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love"

keeps ringing in my ears,

even though we haven't

and most likely never will say it.

I came to give you one dance.

One. Dance.

A dance to help

turn the energy in your life

in the right direction,

to help overwrite the ghosts of the past.

It wasn't perfect, but still:

"I could've danced all night"

and even made a valiant attempt

to carry you to the fainting couch

when your legs finally gave out.

(Now THAT would've made an interesting photo)

"Keep pure your highest ideal,

strive ever toward it,

let naught stop you or turn you aside."

I'm a child of Demeter,

Persephone on Earth, in a way,

a walking contradiction.

(Or, to put it simply: a Gemini.)

So, it really shouldn't shock me that I hope:

All our dreams come true,

We carry out the course of our lives

exactly as we'd originally meant to

and yet...

I hope...

we figure out why this happened this way,

what we needed to learn,

how to move on through it,

because I cannot fight it.

"Why did you have to be so wonderful?"

If I try to fight it,

if I try to suppress it,

I already know how I'll get,

and I can't allow my heart

to take on that stress,

because I have too much depending on me.

So I have to feel it.

I have to

"Let it go, let it go,

can't hold it back anymore"

when I already feel like the smallest drop of me

has been like gazing at a star.

And honestly,

truthfully,

vulnerably,

shields down,

mask off:

"Ditto."